Miscarriage is a hard topic to talk about, and moms need to feel freedom to talk about it. Open conversations bring healing. This is why I am sharing my story with you.
We had been trying to have a baby for a year. This month felt different. I was late! I didn’t want to keep my hopes up yet, but I couldn’t wait to find out. I went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. My heart burst with joy when it came back positive! This whole year full of disappointment and waiting was finally over and I could start looking forward to baby number two!
At the time, we were still living in Cancun. We wanted to keep our pregnancy a secret and surprise our families the next time we would see them in person. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone our happy news, but I remained patient.
One week after I found out, Andrew and I went to the movies. Through the whole movie I kept feeling cramps. I normally feel cramps during the first trimester so I didn’t worry to much about it. Although this time they felt a little bit stronger and different.
Back at home the cramps just kept getting worse and I knew that something was wrong. I went in the bathroom to get ready for bed. I sat on the toilet because I felt like I needed to go. When I looked down my heart sank… I knew that I was loosing my baby.
“Andrew, Andrew, something is wrong!”
We started looking for answers on the internet. There were really no good answers. Everything we read were things that I didn’t want to hear. I couldn’t sleep that night. I could feel my baby leaving me and I couldn’t do anything about it! I cried through the whole night.
The next morning I called my mom. What was supposed to be great news was now a desperate cry. She had been through this too and understood every single word and feeling. She prayed for me and stayed with me on the phone as long as I needed too. Just listening.
I knew I needed to go to see a doctor to confirm my suspicions. I hated being there. He showed me through an ultrasound the hard truth. He wasn’t very empathetic. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed.
Two days later we flew to the States for our annual visit. “Who are we supposed to tell what happened?” “How are we supposed to tell them?” It is so hard to talk about miscarrying your baby. Not everyone understands the pain and some people don’t see it as loosing someone.
Three ways to comfort the grieving mother of a miscarriage
I really wanted people to know about my baby. I wanted to talk about my baby. I needed my baby to be acknowledged for the little time that she lived inside of me. This baby’s life was real and for those short weeks, she had a story.
This baby had been knitted together in my womb (psalm 139:13.) She made me a mom for the second time even though she was never born. Friends and family want to be supportive during this time, but they often don’t know what to say and I also didn’t know how to start a conversation.
Keep in mind that some mothers don’t want to talk about it, but if she shares her story with you, here are some things that I found helpful:
Acknowledge the baby’s life
Every time you hear someone’s miscarriage story, always recognize the life that is not there anymore. Even though the baby is not in this world, there will be a baby in heaven waiting for us.
Acknowledge the mother’s pain
Just because we never met the baby, the pain that we feel is not easier to handle and dismiss. We connect with our babies from the moment we find out there is someone growing inside of us. We are not only emotionally feeling a loss, it is physical too. Our bodies are rejecting a person that we already love and there is nothing we can do about it.
If you really don’t know what to say, that’s ok. The best thing you can do sometimes is to just listen and offer to pray.
If you read this and you are going through a miscarriage or it has been years since it happened, I wrote this thinking about you (You can also find a Pinterest board that I created for you here). This time can feel lonely because miscarriage is not something that most people like to talk about. The pain is real and I want to leave you with something to refresh your soul:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Let’s talk again soon…