Today I cried more than I have cried in a very long time. Motherhood has its glorious, wonderful, life-giving days. Today was not one of those days.
Makana (my nine month old) woke up a lot last night and this morning my eyes didn’t want to open.
The first one to wake up was Kai and Kael followed right after. I sent them back to bed and they were not very happy about it.
By then Analise was already asking me to get her out of her crib and Makana was up again.
The bathroom became the place where I would have my quiet time. I opened my Bible to Romans 3
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Today I would need his grace to do and feel more than I could handle.
“It’s time to start homeschool” my announcement wasn’t received with much excitement. Not a very good way to start one of the hardest parts of my day.
I am an introvert by nature and having to listen to my voice saying the same thing over and over again is wearing. I don’t like to listen to my voice more than I have to. I like to live in my mind where it is quiet. Not today though. Today everything sounded louder and everything felt deeper.
The house was a mess. It is very stressful to be in the process of selling a house and your house looking like a tornado had just passed through it.
Everywhere I looked there was something that needed to be cleaned and did I mention that I felt like a zombie. I mean, I don’t know what a zombie feels like but I am pretty sure that it feels very close to how I felt.
Today I doubted all my decisions. I felt like a failure and I kept thinking that my kids would be better off without me. Have you ever felt like that?
I kept thinking about wanting to go back in time and tell my 20 year old self to stop wasting her time. Time…today I longed for all that extra time I squandered when I was younger.
I love my kids, but today being a mom felt very hard. I felt disappointed. I questioned my reasons for wanting to be a mom. Today I was an ugly mom.
I had many times when I would pray aloud and ask God to help me. Why was I feeling like this? I knew that He had everything under control, but why did I feel so out of control?
I didn’t want to feel vulnerable. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I know this is how a lot of moms feel and it can make for a very lonely motherhood. It can feel like we don’t matter.
Looking at social media makes it worse. It feels like you are the only one going though a very hard day. The only mom that has had thoughts like mine. We all post our best motherhood moments. There is nothing wrong with that. We want to share our happiness with other people. The problem is when we live an instagram life outside of it.
I know that sharing with Andrew and now with you guys has helped me to see my day through a different filter, through another perspective. I want to encourage you, during those very hard days, don’t hide behind a facade of perfection. Find someone that you trust and tell your story.
I know it is hard. I’m still afraid of being judged for my ugly thoughts but I also know that there is another mom that needs to hear this.
“You are not alone. I have felt the way you feel before. You will be ok.”
How are you doing today? Has it been a hard day?
Let’s talk tomorrow again 🙂